weak link.

Image credits here

“There would always be a tear in the corner, not because you don’t care for me anymore. But for the fact that my life will never be same without you and no one will be able to fix it.”  

                                          -An emotional quotient. 

.

21st feb.

This is the 101st post on my blog, should I celebrate or write a post regarding this? I have seen bloggers celebrating this miles stone or things like this. Whatever the case may be, I don’t feel like celebrating today.

I tried contacting four persons for initial funding for my company but as luck would permit I faced rejection, yet again. 

We are facing a tough time looking for investments. The most frustrating part is that I cannot advance further without that seed capital. 

I would be approaching my college for it too, but I don’t see much support from there. 

There is too much politics involved at every stage. But I have to keep exploring.

Our mentor Madam Rimu, is helping us a lot. She had met few venture capitalists today and has approached them on my behalf, still I have to write a business model on a paper and submit. Then they would judge (based on our start-up) if we should get the require funds or not. 

All these will definitely take time and as an entrepreneur, time is the scarcest resource available to me.  

My partner will look for some more sources on Friday; hopefully we would be getting some positive reply this time around.

My income for February has reached closer to 2k (till today). As a freelancer I am progressing pity well. 

image credits here

I have changed the title of the blog; it is more like a journey of my struggling days. Hopefully I would succeed as an entrepreneur one day.   

Coming back to the 101^st post, I would definitely like to thank the person who is behind all these; you were the reason for which I started writing. Just to impress you, as I was not the smartest person in your life then. But by the time I mastered this art you had gone far away.

Forgiving the past

It’s been a year that I had walked away, leaving almost every trail of my past behind. One string was attached though, but with time it also faded away. I never wanted it to, but life puts you on such platforms where you have got nothing to choose. I would be forever thankful to that person for the support, I got in times when there was no ray of light; pitch darkness. It was for your nuisance friendship that I had smiled even in those tough times.

 Leaving all your past is never easy; deliberately avoiding everyone. It is a thing of the past now, nobody remembers me anymore. I am glad!

Image credits here

But it’s you whom I cannot get over. No matter how far I run away, you will still manage to haunt me. I tried getting back to you, but you proved me again that I am a fool.

Yes, my nuisance friend was correct. Only if I had full control over my senses I would be able be delete images of you from every tiny bit of my memory. I sometimes wonder how someone can be so tough; absolutely ruthless to every human emotion, merciless.

But I will forever be at the receiving end; I always was. You will never understand what my feelings are.

But there are times when I cannot stand upto my resolution. I will never win over you; in the core I know, I don’t want to. You are the only memory that will continue to wreck me. It seems remembering you was easier than forgetting.

Happy Valentine.

Morning Blues.

It happened again, those few moments when you steal my soul away, just for a second or two.

I cannot see your beauty, for my eyes are closed. (I have your pictures for that, I see them quite often.)  I have no clue of that, but I know you would blow my mind away when it happens for real.

But it’s your voice that shot me today. Observing every word you spelt, for you pronounce them so neatly. It still hums in my ears.

 It was sweet but not like a lullaby, it never made me sleep. 

I can compare it to a situation; a feather moving up your body, close enough that you can feel its movement and it gives you goose bumps. Or you can replace the feathers with a pair of lips. Mine.

Or when smoke enters into the lungs, you feel in, steadily it spreads nicotine in the body. Mine.

I wanted to hear a song, to preserve your memory for some time, but none were intoxicating enough to bring those words back.

I was always fond of your voice, way back when we were teens. 

Everything attracted me towards you then, but it was difficult to stand out the strongest.

 I can do now.

It’s one among many that attracts me; your absence no longer stands a barrier now. I have lost myself for you....

If ever you read this, just answer me a thing, how much of you is alcohol?

.

Love revolves around

One of my stories was published in a magazine, Story Title - "Love Revolves Around". in Aama Odisha, last year.

“Ama Odisha “ is a literary E-magazine which aims at encouraging budding writers in exploring their prolific thoughts to promote culture, literacy and knowledge as well as creating an ambience of positivism, spiritualism, love, peace and harmony.

You can download the story here.  The 8th edition, on page 79.

 Or can read it in my tales blog " Fabled Relations ", titled   LOVE REVOLVES AROUND.

a moment with you....

I saw her again, distant, beyond my reach, but close enough to remember her fragrance. Early in the morning, close enough to hear chuckle, feel her touch but not enough to leave an imprint.

A medium of channel beyond the towers and web of modern connections, which flows through one way and strong enough to shorten miles of distance in between.

At the end of which, it left old yet unforgettable chapters of love,showcasing slides in front of the eyes, beyond a click of the mouse, fresh enough to present every tiny detail and strong enough to shiver my soul from inside.

I wish I could have captured that glimpse, just like every other pic of her but it was too short to be captured and too weak to relive again.

All above it, I lived a moment with her, without her permission and beyond the curious eyes of the world. 

Far from restrictions and rules, yet close enough to get featured in my journal......

I miss you.

.

It's your birthday.

Another year passed away and I couldn’t hear your voice, though I am happy and that I know you would enjoy your day today.

 I still remember the first time I had wished you; it brought happiness to both of us, for we were tied with the threads of love. 

But today those laces are broken and we lie miles apart. It haunts me; this situation proved a hell of a task for me to handle.

Your absence tore my piece of happiness, though I have lost a great but I guess it will never get notice. 

Winter has set in and with it brought back your memories; the smell of your cold cream, those endless marathons of talks under quilt, the silence of the night while we were busy making castle of dreams, the chilliness of the evenings when I used to arrive at your place…they still give me Goosebumps.  

Happy Birthday dear, (this time it is all more special for diwali happens to be on 26^th as well.)

All those nights and days spend together…
I could not have asked for anything better.
They made me sing, they made me laugh.
together we left the world around...

I will remember you every morning,
with a smile on my face…
somewhere you would be having the same.
every time you would feel me.
crossing your lane.

conversations with the cousin.

Cousin – di told me about you…

A – Hmmm...What?  (Romancing with the mobile, “damn! The balance is low”.)

Cousin – that,what was the turning point of your life…

A – what was it.?

Cousin – your last affair. !!!

A – (now that raised the alarms. Keeps the mobile aside ), so?

Cousin – so, I didn’t expected you to be involved in these things… you look so serious and focused. But di told me you had a different personality before.

A – (Chuckles)

Cousin – what was the reason?

A- I myself never understood the reason she gave me. May be I was not good enough for her.

Cousin – hmm...but you look sweet and cute!

A- You think so, not everyone around. 

Cousin – hmm...

**Silence**

Cousin – no contacts?

A- Not much, just few pleasantries on facebook. I wished her birthday last year.

Cousin –and she?

A- I block her every time mine comes.

Cousin – why do you do this? (A touch of seriousness arrives)

A- I don’t want her wishes, or perhaps I am afraid she would have forgotten me completely. Blocking her gives an excuse of escaping my proposed thinking........  But she did wish me valentine this year.

Cousin – that’s sweet. Which of course means she has not forgotten you?

A- May be, but I have given up all the hopes. It’s been close to 2 years now.

Cousin – I don’t think so, you still love her don’t you, bhaiya?

**Silence.**

A – I cannot keep the thread holding, when the other end is slack. May be things were never meant to be, between the two of us.  

Cousin – so, when is next one coming?

*** lightens the atmosphere.**

A – (Answers with a smile) not that easy. Don’t have time for these now.

Cousin – but you may fall for someone, you never know. Someone right around the corner could be the one.

A – (Remembers the cute girl in his class) I won’t, my feelings are more controlled now.

Cousin – but it happens…

A – Enough! Now go to sleep, I have to catch the train and you gonna get up late for school, tomorrow.

Cousin – (with a grin she holds her teddy tight) good night, bhaiya.

A- good night,

Kids these days are just too curious about these (mummers to himself)

                                                      -----X-----

Perpetual journey.

With reference to the blog post Teenage Love, I am starting this new and 3rd story.


Titled Perpetual journey (where every ending can be a new beginning). 
A journey of Stella, her mom and how she tackles her relations, old and new of her life. 


It  took me more than few months to initiate this one, though it was planned a little earlier but I kept procrastinating it over and over again. I found the pages today scrambled in between several other. And decided it was time to complete.

Just like these perennial rivers and streams, our life also moves on, no matter what happens, it just keeps on moving ahead. 


A small dot can stop a sentence but few more dots can give it continuity.
What will you do when life puts more boulders in your path than sleek slopes? Most of us would have surrendered. Well, not so Stella, instead of putting down her head she opted to fight for her family, love and for everything that came in her way.


Did she win her battles? What were those boulders? What was the result she got for all the effort? 


For more on the story see   Fabled Relations.




.

what I feel for you.

what I feel for you...?

is some cluster of sentiments,

wobbling like

clouds in the blue.

Every night I provoke in bed,

with a thought of you in my head.

Drenched in dreams of dismay,

or it was you sitting in my way.

What I feel for you...?

Is the years of love spend together,

and with you away ,I doubt

soon it will be over.

what I feel for you...?

Is the fragrance of your smell,

the softness of your touch,

But it aches to regard

my love,for you

was just a piece of crush.!

what I feel for you..?

Is our partial love,

abandon by someone,

in turbulence and disgust.

----x----

confessions of a bleeding heart...(2)

Confession of a bleeding heart (1)

.

No matter how much I achieve in life, no matter how much I enjoy ,there will always be one such moment every day, when I will miss you.

In my sorrow and happy hours,

Your voice will echo,

in my head.

Like a bell in the tower.

Surrounded by many around but the air; with the memories of yours, always engulfs me.As if it was made to hurt me, to make me realize your absence. But the problem is, you will never know them . Your absence will haunt me but my words will never reach you.

The way you hurted me, the way you crushed my emotions mercilessly, the way you made me cry over and over again, I will never show myself in front of you.

I don’t know it’s a punishment I am imposing on you or on myself; perhaps I know the answer. But I can’t help it, every single thing I do, it is one way or other related to you or I should say it starts with you.

This habit of writing was a token of your love and company, I wish I could have showed you all these when you were with me. 

 Few days before I tried of not writing anything related with you, and then I realized how incomplete my life is without your name in it. Even if one counts the number of “YOU” here, it would give some kind of picture. A picture which has your name printed over and over again.!!

Even my best poems and stories are related to you.

They say time heals every injury that can't be seen, but no matter what happens in my life I will forever hate you and perhaps love you even more.

  Trying to get over you, I failed in my attempt.

                                                              Deep in my heart

 I remember you with each passing scent.

                         Listen to me, listen to me for once what I want to say,

                           You are my life; please don't leave me this way.

.

confessions of a bleeding heart...

The spaces between my fingers  reminds me of a absence, they longs for someone to hold them, I miss a touch; just one.

I believed those pairs were meant for me but sadly enough that was not the reality. He preferred his merry over all my sorrow and tears.

 I tried to hold on to his trail but they are fading with time.

A question; what was more important; his happiness or my love?Some say you cannot live with a person whom you are not happy with...

But he used to, at least the last 3 years and then suddenly this.

I know he misses me, but with his ever growing ego, he will pretend nothing is bothering him at all.

Night after night I had imagined him in every aspect of my life, but now even the dreams have betrayed me. Sometimes I feel his memories have become a source of my survival, I deliberately try to think of him. As for now I have got only these memories of him.

I have confined all my words within myself; I don’t want the whole world to make a fun of my situation. My friends believe I have moved on but the truth is that I am not strong enough to let go his memories.

Life plays havoc on you sometimes, in those situations he used to stand by “come what may”!

I was addicted of him and now when he’s no more I am finding it hard to cope up from his absence. 

I have felt and now believe it's always difficult to lose someone you love; their absence will forever remind you, someone was here but now they are not.

With the fear of meeting excessively interested pair of eyes, I broke every past connection. My old school proved a horror for me, as there used to be only one thing good about it!! It seems as if my bright mornings have disappeared and I have shed myself in hibernation. 

Sometimes it's hard to face the reality that he has moved on in his life, at times I feel good for him but at other times I ponder "why me"?

I have preserved every letter, shirt, pics of him, sometimes I go through them wondering how much our temperaments contrasted but still we made a good team of two. Over the days I have realized he has made a permanent resident in my heart, but he makes my pain more pronounced, sometimes unbearable ! but this pain is the only reminder that he was once in my life.

A friend is not enough.(2)

.
"almost a whole year has passed out and you are still lost in his memories ? I thought I was beginning to have some positive impact on you..." before he could say more, she shortened  his words.
"I thought the same Aakash, but neither your smilies nor your friendly behavior could make me happy. I think my grief is inconsolable "


She blurt out, knowing well within her heart that she was hurting her friend, again! .
She wanted to tell him everything that had gone through in the past few days. First she saw Anick in her dreams and then Aakash, and how she regretted her dreams for the latter.
A strange silence filled in between them.


"you there " inquired  Aakash.
"ya"
"at times you appear so joyful but then what happens  in between?. Do you feel this every day and hide them from me.? "
" I bear this torture every day. Not a single night goes when his thought do not penetrate my mind" tears were beginning to appear, yet she tried her best not to let him know.


"you sound pathetic !! wait I am coming there. " said Aakash in a worried tone.
" please don't come...."  the line was already disconnected.


Some 10 minutes latter there was a knock on the door, she quickly opened it, as if wanted to see him.


"hi " he said, as they both stand in front, facing each other.
She opened the door and let him in.


"hmm...it's the worst girl's room I have ever seen "


"oh, how many girl's room you have been into " finding nothing else to say she replied from his lines. "


"wait theres Shilpa, priya, Priyanka.... hey, what are these.... " he uttered seeing the blades ripped with blood.
"shruti , what are these ??? what where you doing with them, show me your hand "  he quickly grabbed her hand in his.
"why do you keep hurting yourself like this. ? You are trying to avoid a fruitful future because of a pained past ,goddamn it, don't you realize that ?  " Aakash distanced himself from Shruti a little.
"why don't you understand this. Dear, dead people don't come back in real life, you need to move on."


"its easy for you say these lines Aakash, but in reality its far more difficult. People may depart but their memories never fades away" shruti choked while saying these lines.


"But whats the use of pondering over those memories when you are suffering with them. Memories are  to make your life better, not to make it worse."


"thats the thing with love, Aakash. You may call me mad but to me, he was my life and he remains the same till today. These memories are the only reminders of his presence. "


"Don't tell me Shruti, you intend to pass the rest of your life with them. "
"I don't know.... "
"what do you mean by that ? Shruti, I may not always be around to see these situations off "


"I didn't get your words... " she gave a blank expression to him.
" I am your friend Shruti, not your husband and plus I have my own life to look after."


She just kept observing his facial expressions, which changed with each word spelt .
"I am shifting my business to Delhi and we might leave by the end of this week"


"Leaving me behind, eh ? you didn't even ... I thought ....I thought you cared for me." 
Shruti stood still, the gravity of the situation was beginning to crawl over her mind. She might be avoiding Aakash in the last few days but inside she knew, how much she needed him to be on her side...






                                                                             ---to be continued.  

A friend is not enough.

She was lying on her bed when her body suffered an impulsive jerk and to the response, she opened her eyes.
Innumerable times this dream had occurred to her. In the beginning it appeared vague but with due passage of time it became the only means to see him.

Her thoughts were interrupted by the polyphonic version of her ringtone,her mobile was vibrating atop her study table.
She switched on the lights before receiving the call.

"hello ? " her voice was hoarse.
"Hey, where are you, I tried calling you so many times but you never received any. Whats your problem ? "

Shruti was not receiving his call for the past few days,she knew the reason well but it was all within her.

"I don't know Aakash, sometimes I don't feel like talking to you."
"what are you saying ? "
"you are a nice friend Aakash, but I am not always as happy as you. And when I want to pour my heart ,you are either busy or talk with me in such a tone that I fail say a single word. "

"I am not catching with your words here,Shruti. we almost talk on a daily basis, message each other through out the day.And now you end up saying these lines to me.? "
 " how do I make you feel what I wanna say to you. I don not hate you and its not that I don't enjoy your company. In fact, if you were not there with me in those days I wonder how I would have faced those all."

"please explain what you really want.  "
"I want nothing from you, its me who is creating the problem. You regard me as your 'best friend' , but its not the same from my side. I guess your friendship is not enough for me. At times I need some emotional support,a feeling which I can relate to my heart. We do not share these in our relation. At times I tried to be as cool minded as you are but I guess somethings do not change ever.
These were the times when I wanted to be left alone. For I know, no one other than  Anick can make me feel better. But he too cares nothing for me now "...



                                                            ...........to be continued.

why do I love you.

11th oct, 2010.
    8.00 pm

It has been 3 months since I had heard your voice. The last time I came to see you, you just walked away sensing my presence .
Since the time you departed from my life, there  has been tears and emptiness all over. Don't know how I would continue living without you.
It's not that I have not made a move on, I did ,many-a-times.but I failed miserably and got back where I had started.There are so many boys out there, then why do I always keep thinking about you every time.Why do I see your face flashing on every other guy, why ?

I came to know from some friends that you are extremely happy living your life without me,flirting with every possible girl out in your college. This is what you had promised me all those years ? I know I have broken some from my side but kept the most important one of never leaving you. But you, you just gave away everything.
I had just asked one thing from you "be on my side" ,rest I would take care of. But I guess I was at all important for you.
I am living here like hell ,all these days are proving so difficult for me.
Winter has arrived and with it came the memories of yours, it was the time when you first came ti my house...whats the use of remembering all those days when they are no more ?
but I can't forget you, why don't you understand ? I just cant.

                                              I thought I had known you enough,
                                             but you proved me wrong.
                                               I am suffering for my mistake,
                                               but can't regret it now.

                                                you promised to be with me,
                                                but left me mid-way.
                                                It's all you cared with each passing day.?

                                            why did you changed so much?
                                              I miss you every single day,
                                             please come back to me,
                                              thats all I have to say.




she felt a sudden rush of adrenaline in her , tears kept flowing from the eyes as they turned red,. closing the diary
she prepared herself for the haunting night ahead.....






                                                               -----x------

rendezvous in the moon light.

the inaugural paces of their lives,
that they took together
turned their love forever.

hand in hand they reached the top,
but their eyes  folded blind.

they laughed ,they smiled
but never had the courage to turn the tide.

of what they felt had never struck them before
after all it was love and it surely touched their soul.

it was just the beginning of a new dusk,
and the night brought them closer...
they saw each other and the distance was over.

sprouts did came of the seed they had sown together,
the initial moments were tighter...
after all it was love and they had lost themselves forever.

the wind changed to quite rain over the faded moon light,
and their heart full of springs.
they wanted to fly as if they had their wings.

the meeting was small but they never realized ,
how much they would cry when the stars bid them good bye.

with the memories of each other in their mind,
they reached their shelter.
with no regret in their hearts,
after all it was their decision which changed their love forever.

                                                                     -----x-------



prompted for   romantic room

the incomplete story.(4)

Aryan and Udita were in love with each other, Love as seen in plays, as pure and intense as it ever could be.Both of them wanted to get married one day, nothing could ever stop them from loving each other.
But fate had something else planned for them. What made them drift apart ? will the love between them survive? will they ever meet again? or would  just  move on in their lives ??
witness their love blossom into a flower and then fade away like crushed leaves.....


continues from going away...


                                                      far apart
away from the cries and sorrow of his world,she was on a much propitous ride.
"finally life has been worth living, thanks god." was her facebook status, after she parted herself away from the person whom she called her love, 9 months ago.
"words hardly matter and people tend to change in matter of days.I have had enough of sorrows and just can't afford more.Life is a book of chapters,as we moves forward one need to close the previous ones, not to be opened again" she reflected these words to herself, as the plane took off from Netaji Subhas Chandra Bose International airport.
Life has been generous to her, new college ,new friends, no promises to be kept,no relation to be handled.
She desperately wanted to make this come off.A series of attempts to change the decision was deliberately discarded by her.
                                              nothing matters to me you know,
                                              I am very well happy without you
                                              thats for sure.


his pleadings were incorrigible for her now.
"I am fed up of understanding you,no matter what you do now I will forever regret my years with you.It was such a unwise decision to come to you." she conveyed this in a discordant tone ever used by her.


Everything in her life was shaping like never before and she welcomed every joy with open arms.Relation was the last thing she wanted in her life now.
She had changed from top to bottom,her eyes spoke so much , hair much longer with slightest touch of brown in it.A look on which she was proud of and to this she got a fair bit of attention among the male species. 
                     *                          *                               *                   *
On the other side Aryan was in pain, every attempt to bring his life back on track was proving to be futile..slowly but surely, he was on the verge of loosing a hard fought battle.He had decided whatever happens to him now he would never let that girl know,for that he disconnected himself from every possible common source.
Same was the thoughts of Udita ,
because of their ego their love got hanged in between for which one was suffering and for other one ?? lets say the days were about to start...

the incomplete story.(3)

Aryan and Udita were in love with each other, Love as seen in plays, as pure and intense as it ever could be.Both of them wanted to get married one day, nothing could ever stop them from loving each other.

But fate had something else planned for them. What made them drift apart ? will the love between them survive? will they ever meet again? or would  just  move on in their lives ??


witness their love blossom into a flower and then fade away like crushed leaves.....




continued from long gone

                     

                                going away


                               in my memories you seem so near,
                              but when I open my eyes why do you always disappear.??

the wind kept brushing away his face, it was getting difficult for him to keep his eyes open.The bus was travelling way too fast but he looked lost in his own world....
" I just need you now...." the song expressed his present state, though it didn't mattered as the person concerned wasn't listening to any of the two.
Travelling in bus brought back memories, memories which were enough to made him go mad in the past four months , memories from which he had been fighting with all his strength but kept loosing it every single time.,memories which made him smile a few months ago, was now nothing short of just torture.


*            *             *             *              *                *                *

" where are you ? " she enquired.
"hmm..just 5 minutes more I will be there." I replied.
"O.K, I just called to say that I have a surprise for you."
" surprise ?? what is it...??? " this statement came as a surprise itself,
"oho, just wait for few minutes ,you would see itself. "
" fine." I ended the call.
as I walked few paces ahead I saw her, with her hair open she looked absolutely fabulous and this was the surprise for me.
"so, how do I look ?? "
*          *             *


he woke up with the splash of rain at his face, breaking up the thoughts.
"where did the rain came from?? it was almost sunny few minutes ago.Weather in this part of india is surely unpredictable .."
Moved by the images he saw in his mind, all he felt was helplessness.
"how do I get over you dear, how??
you said every thing would be fine in a matter of months, it has not been the case."

                                   trying to get over you,I failed in my attempt.
                                   deep in my heart ,I remember you with each passing scent.
                                   listen to me ,listen to me for once what I  want to say,
                                   you are my life, please don't leave me this way.


he had tried every possible way to get over his love but all he got was more and more pain.

                                      I wish I could tell you how I felt,
                                      when you moved over me.
                                     You said it gave you happiness,
                                    but you didint realized
                                    you were blaming my love instead.

                                     I wish I could make you believe,
                                       for all that I did was pure.
                                     our relation did had a start
                                 but why didint it lasted longer.?

                                   I wish I could tell,
                              how I dreamt of you night and day,
                               losing you is not what I wanted.
                             but I had to accept all these,
                                as my wish was not granted.

                                     You said theres more to life than me,
                                 I wish I could tell you
                                 there are vacant spaces in my life,
                                    without you......

the incomplete story.(2)

Aryan and Udita were in love with each other, Love as seen in plays, as pure and intense as it ever could be.Both of them wanted to get married one day, nothing could ever stop them from loving each other.

But fate had something else planned for them. What made them drift apart ? will the love between them survive? will they ever meet again? or just would move on in their lives ?

witness their love blossom into a flower and then fade away like crushed leaves





continued from happy birthday


                 long gone 


It has been days since we made a talk and the last words which I heard of you were " I am going from here" , there I stood lost , weak , so fear full that could  not even move my step to stop you and neither did you bother to turn around.
your words echoed in my ears " you are such a selfish person, I should have listen to my parents, it's a huge mistake of mine and regret every moment spend with you in those 4 years."

I waited and I waited some more time but you didn't made any response, back then I made a pledge to myself, of forgetting you forever and letting you out in those puffs of smoke I ignited in 2 minutes.
It pained, I cried and I cried some more all I got was one answer " you cannot forget her, you are not strong enough "
In the quest to keep myself away from your memories ,away from your fragnance, I switched places ,ran out with bad company. Little to my knowledge my efforts went fruitless.
More so, I realized the bitter truth of my life " you are gone, like forever from my life."

you decided to walk away,
without caring for what I wanted.
you took a step ahead,
and left me there spell bounded.

All my pleading gone in vain,
but it never tickled
a nerve in your brain....

The crashing of my heart
didn't  made a sound...
and you didn't bother to turn around.

Moping around your trail,
all of my life..
I discarded the dream
of making you my wife.

Time did pass away,
even when it seemed impossible,
I am losing you with each passing day.

Despite all your rude temper,
I am standing here...
waiting for your return..
but does it really matters to anyone.